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Post by learjet on Jun 24, 2014 8:09:05 GMT
Now that I am at home with my source (The five love languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate by Gary Chapman - 1992 - I think I've got the 1st edition, web-site www.5lovelanguages.com/ ), here is an introduction to the five love languages, coming out of our discussion on the MBTI for Lee and Amanda. IN summary: the idea behind it is that we can feel loved in 5 different ways: Words of affirmation (showing love by words, not just "I love you") Acts of Service (showing love by actions eg even by washing the dishes) Receiving gifts (don't have to be big) Quality time (undivided attention) Physical touch (of any sort eg physical play, hugs, not necessarily sexual in romantic relationships) Each person supposed has a primary love language - and we tend to show our love of others in this way, but we also feel loved by others if they show they care in our love language. For example, my husband is primarily a physical touch person - he hugs us and plays "rough and tumble" with our girls. I, on the other hand, am more a quality time person - I value undivided attention from the people I love, including eye contact etc. We have to work at showing love in the way the other person feels it because otherwise it misses its mark - I may see intellectually that he is showing he loves me, but I don't feel it (and sometimes we need to feel it, even though I do believe long-term committed love is a decision but that's another debate...) So I have often thought about Lee and Amanda in that way. Amanda is into acts of service (she bakes for people, meatloaf for the princess, makes breakfast for her kids (when they can do it themselves!), and does practical things to help Lee. She is also very good at affirming Lee (and her boys). Lee - I'm not so sure. Initially it is tempting to say his is physical touch (as he does touch Amanda and other work colleagues a lot). However, as the series continues (esp in series 3 and 4), we see how good he is at verbally affirming Amanda and acknowledging how well she has done. In fact, I think he is almost better than Amanda is at affirming her. He also doesn't use important words lightly (Stemwinder pt 1). If we go with the theory that that series 3/4 Lee is the "true" Lee (and not Scarecrow or emotionally repressed Lee), I think Words of affirmation is his primary love language. Please feel free to disagree with me! |
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Post by debilyn on Jun 24, 2014 12:33:23 GMT
Thanks for posting this, Learjet.
I do think Lee has a bit of Acts of Service in his love language, which just naturally goes along with his White Knight Syndrome (WKS). His protective nature reaches out to Amanda mostly, but his friends as well. I do agree, though, that he is much more verbal than Amanda when he finally lets himself realize how much he does love her.
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Post by morley on Jun 24, 2014 13:59:49 GMT
What I find interesting about this is that the love languages are how we show love, but also how we receive it. So it is easy to identify how the characters show it, but that means they also receive it that way. The one that stuck out to me most, is the words of affirmation part for Lee. He receives love, identifies it through words of affirmation spoken to him. I can't help but think that Amanda would have been the first, in a long drought, of people who spoke words like that to Lee. That had got to do something to him.
The reverse is also true. When there is a lack of the things we identify as a language of love we feel unloved in a way because even if the people in our lives are trying to communicate love to us, we can't understand it. Makes me think of Colonel Clayton.
If we look at Amanda in this light and think that acts of service is her love language (for most young moms this becomes a very important love language) you can only imagine how her husband leaving to go serve others could affect her sense of being loved.
This is a great thread, thanks for starting it, Learjet.
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Post by iwsod on Jun 25, 2014 5:12:13 GMT
whoooo I'm so happy to see this thread!  I'm making myself a cup of tea.. and I'm going to sit back and enjoy this!!! |
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Post by iwsod on Jun 25, 2014 5:37:27 GMT
whoooo great ideas from everyone!!
So can someone explain to me - do love languages change at all over the life span?
why do you have just one?
Is that one dominant one and then you have other lesser languages?
Can someone explain this to me?
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Post by iwsod on Jun 25, 2014 5:40:51 GMT
I clicked on that link.. I had to laugh when I read the blurb on giving your spouse grace.. and the making a list about their good qualities and not so good or whatever - just like in Kruschev list.. they stole from smk!
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Post by learjet on Jun 25, 2014 8:56:45 GMT
What I find interesting about this is that the love languages are how we show love, but also how we receive it. So it is easy to identify how the characters show it, but that means they also receive it that way. The one that stuck out to me most, is the words of affirmation part for Lee. He receives love, identifies it through words of affirmation spoken to him. I can't help but think that Amanda would have been the first, in a long drought, of people who spoke words like that to Lee. That had got to do something to him. The reverse is also true. When there is a lack of the things we identify as a language of love we feel unloved in a way because even if the people in our lives are trying to communicate love to us, we can't understand it. Makes me think of Colonel Clayton. I think you make a great point about how Lee "missed" feeling love by the Colonel because the Colonel communicated his care for Lee in a way didn't make Lee feel loved. No words of affirmation, no physical touch at all. It's remarkable that Lee touches so much, considering how little he experienced that after the age of 5 (or was it 4 or 7 LOL). I would argue that the Colonel communicated his love to Lee purely by Acts of Service. I agree that mothers show love a lot with acts of service and this would apply to Amanda. I think in fact that all adult women do, and this often goes unacknowledged. |
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Post by learjet on Jun 25, 2014 9:08:06 GMT
whoooo great ideas from everyone!! So can someone explain to me - do love languages change at all over the life span? why do you have just one? Is that one dominant one and then you have other lesser languages? Can someone explain this to me? Theoretically you have one dominant (he calls it primary) one, and then lesser ones. My experience is that one often has 2 that are big for you. I have 3 major ones and the other 2 leave me stone cold. I couldn't find anything in the original book about love languages changes, so I googled it . Apparently - yes more than one source cites examples that they can change depending on your past (and maybe you feel more secure than you did so it changes), or your current circumstances (eg a major life event occurs eg death or having a child) |
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Post by debilyn on Jun 25, 2014 13:55:17 GMT
True, learjet. As a recipient - when I was a young girl, words of affirmation were important to me. Physical touch was the primary love language of my mother's family, so it has followed me all my life. Yet, as an adult, acts of service has become more primary. As a giver, I tend to continue the physical touch and I also use words of affirmation and acts of service with my children. Two respond better to affirmation, one to service.
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Post by iwsod on Jun 26, 2014 2:06:02 GMT
Ohhh okay cool thanks for explaining that for me learjet! Gosh... you know no one love language stands out for me with either character. But interesting to note (given we are currently discussing the tag of wizard on JWWM) that Lee shows his thanks to Amanda by giving her a gift of red roses does Amanda ever give Lee a gift?! I mean other than at Christmas time? She did give him the cake at the end of ALSALS.. does that count? or is that an act of service? I enjoyed your thoughts on what their love languages would say about how they receive love Morley - yeah the colonel wasn't much for showing his love in the way Lee could accept it huh.. I agree the colonel's love language was acts of service, and Lee interpreted it as only fulfilling is duty.. so maybe that suggests acts of service is not one of Lee's love languages. It reminds me of Amanda packing Lee a picnic basket at the beginning of Magic Bus - as she mumbled to herself: I don't know why I'm doing this.. he probably won't appreciate it anyway! Do take my comments with a grain of salt though, I only have vague, general recollections of the overall story for season 3 and 4 sooo I feel like I'm answering more based on seasons 1 and 2 - and maybe not a complete picture! I'll bow to your superior knowledge here guys!! (of love languages and seasons 3 and 4!) |
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Post by learjet on Jun 26, 2014 4:25:12 GMT
I'm quite curious about whether what Amanda does are acts of service or gifts. Could be either. eg. the Christmas cookies she hands around in Santa's got a Brand New Bag, the cakes she is always making and giving, the Meatloaf and seedcake for the princess in Waiting for Godorsky.
Lee is def not gifts (think of all the Christmas scarves....!)
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